Welcome

Some of the older folk I used to know had a saying that went like this: "At least have more sense than God gave a rock!". It was, of course, used in reference to stupid things they or others would do. We all have to admit that at times in our lives we've all done stupid things. They tend to happen most often in surprise situations when we have to make spur-of-the-moment decisions and don't have time to think. But, I think we also have to admit that there have been those times when we've made bad decisions when we had plenty of time think things out. Either way, the consequences that seem to always follow every decision (good, bad or indifferent) usually follow close on the heels of all of the decisions we've made.

I've been reading daily through the book of Proverbs again this month (reading the chapter that corresponds to the day of the month) and have been struck over and over again how the authors of this great book knew of the kinds of decisions we'd still be making over 2000 years later – long after they were gone. It is as if they had the ability to see into the twenty-first century and know that many things (especially things relating to morality, money, sex, business, spirituality, etc.) never change. We humans will forever be presented with challenges and decisions that will test our discipline, our thinking skills, our reaction skills, and our "forgiveness" skills.

As we relate this to parenting, we find ourselves asking, "How in the world can I raise my son or daughter in such a way that they will make sound, God-honoring, practical decisions? That's not an easy question to answer but there are some basics that I think we can consider. And again, I owe many of the following ideas to Cline a Fay's works, Love and Logic. Here are some ideas:

Let them make lots of decisions on their own. Don't make all decisions for them. This is especially true in areas where it doesn't really matter much what they choose. If it isn't going to cause them or others harm or undue concern, let them choose. I watch my young granddaughters and chuckle as their mothers let them choose their clothes for the day. Some of the things they come up with are truly unique and break every known or unknown rule of fashion. But they've made the choice and as they grow older and more astute they'll be able to make better decisions, hopefully.

Let the consequences of their decisions fall squarely on them. If they don't try and fail, they'll never learn. Sympathize with their plight in times of pain due to bad choices, but let the circumstances – not a lecture from you – do the teaching. Walk with them through the valley of the shadow of tough consequences but let them feel as much of the pain as you think they can bear.

Use stories from your experiences of the experiences of others to teach sound moral, ethical, and relational lessons. This is where the study of the Word is so helpful. Every book in the Old and New Testaments that have stories of people's lives have stories about both good and bad decision-making. Read the, share them, and share your own experiences (yes, even your failures) with them. Read and study the book of Proverbs with them. Point out the many "If/then" statements such as "(if you) Honor the Lord with your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine." (3:9-10) Of course, don't skip the infamous and important saying from 3:5-6.

Take advantage of every "teachable moment". Teachable moments are any situation when the opportunity arises to teach a concept relating to wisdom, sound judgment, or good decision-making. They're not "I told you so" moments (avoid those at all costs). They're times when they ask for advice or when they've made a mistake and in the moments when we sympathize with them, we ask such questions as:

• What are the choices or options that you have?
• What might be the consequences of your choices?
• How much will it cost?
• How might it affect others?
• How did you come to decide to do this or that?
• Did you ask anyone else for help?
• Was this just an "honest mistake", one when you didn't realize the outcome?
• Did you know what was right but did something else anyway?
• Who could you have asked for help?
• If this comes up again, what will you decide next time?
• How are you going to make this situation right?

Avoid yelling, screaming, and/or lecturing if possible. Go ahead, let them know when you're upset but do it whenever possible with calm words rather than rage and anger. They'll hear you much better if/when you do. Let the import of your anger come through questions such as the ones above with the addition of statements like: "I'm so upset right now, I'm going to have to think of the consequences later." Or, "Let's sit down when I'm a little calmer and talk through the problem you've caused and see how we're going to deal with it." That "think time" is incredibly effective at getting them to think on their own.

Model for them the benefits of sound decision-making. There's a ton of evidence out there to suggest that parents are still the most influential force in a child's life – yes, even teens. When we make sound spiritual, physical, financial, moral, and relational decisions, they take notice. When we make mistakes, they take notice not so much of the mistake, but of what we do about making it right.

I hope these points point us all in the right direction when it comes to imparting wisdom to our kids. I know I didn't do as good a job as I could have in these areas but my grown children are doing very well in their own lives so my wife and I must have done at least a few things right.

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I heard recently that many teachers in today’s schools are eliminating or reducing the homework as so much of it just doesn’t get done.  We used to joke about this with lines like, “The dog ate my homework!” Or, “Mom used it to line the bottom of the bird cage.”  And, as spring leads toward summer, it becomes harder and harder for students to concentrate on schoolwork with soccer, baseball, good weather, and other activities competing with homework time.  But seriously, homework has been and continues to be a huge headache for many parents, teachers, and students.  And, the excuses children give to teachers for not having it done could fill a large volume dedicated to the subject.  I once even got this one: “My dad didn’t have time to do it!” 

Some Tips on Soothing “Homework Headaches”.

• Resist becoming a “helicopter” parent (Using the language of Cline and Fay’s works entitled, Love and Logic), swooping in to “rescue” your child from the rigors and learning involved in doing their homework.  I can’t count, from the seventeen years I spent as a classroom teacher, the number of times I encountered homework obviously done by a parent and not the child.  It even came in (more often than you might think) written in the parent’s rather than the child’s handwriting.  I even sent some back giving the parents a “C” grade or worse as they’d done such a poor job. 
• Make homework completion an early expectation: Even at the pre-school level, students are often given simple reading or learning activities that parents are to complete with their children.  Pay attention to these and do them.  Then, as the assignments become more and more slanted toward independent work, encourage your children to complete them and complete them with accuracy - with an eye for doing quality work.  In short, make sure they know you expect them to finish the work and turn it in on time. 
• Place the responsibility for and the consequences of their effort squarely on them.  In other words, let the results of the quality and the quantity of their work become their responsibility and their problem, not yours.  No amount of nagging, yelling, begging or “helping” is going to work until they own the responsibility for their own actions. Free time activities such as sports, spending time with friends, going to the mall, or to a movie, can all be negatively affected by a child’s unwillingness to do their schoolwork.  Privileges such as getting a driver’s license, having friends over, going to friends’ houses, etc., call all be very unemotionally and squarely tied to the grades a child is receiving.  Parents, you have the “power” – use it.  Statements like, “I feel so bad for you that you got a “D” in math due to missing assignments.  I’ll be glad to give permission for driver’s ed., or legion baseball when that grade is at least a “C”, work well.
• Give them help with it only as they really need it.  Don’t fall into the trap of doing the work for them.  Use questions, examples similar to what they’re doing, and thinking activities to lead them in doing the work and finding the answers for themselves.  They don’t learn when we do it for them and face it, they’re going to have to know the material down the line for a test and you’re not going to be there for that. 
• Provide a quiet, organized, work area at home for homework.  Some of our children have genes for “organization” and “work completion” built right in.  These kids can usually have that place be in their room.  Others can’t.  Some kids have a natural tendency to want to do the work and do it well.  Others don’t.   By having a work area somewhere else in the house (other than their room), parents can at least control the general atmosphere and have some idea whether or not purposeful work is getting done.  The privilege of retreating to one’s room to do work may have to be an “earned” one. 
• Limit after-school activities if/when school work isn’t getting done.  It’s truly amazing just how much kids can get done (homework-wise) when something they really love is on the line.  However, parents need to be carefully aware of scheduling family, church, sports, recreation, or other activities while still allowing enough time for their children to complete their homework.
• Pay attention to teacher–parent communications about special projects.  Few teachers assign special reports, research assignments, etc., without notifying parents.  And when the inevitable happens (“Dad, I have a report and a display due tomorrow and I haven’t started on it!”) and you’re not informed, put the responsibility for that on the student.  Let them go through the steps necessary to “fix” the situation themselves. Asking, “Well, what are you going to do to solve this problem?” works much better than getting angry and intervening.   Again, let the consequences of their procrastination fall on them.  Make it their problem – not yours. 

When I taught sixth-grade, as a fun activity on Valentine’s Day, I used to stage a cake decorating contest for the classroom party.  The cakes were brought to school and judged by other teachers and by students.  The “winners” got to keep their cakes and the others were eaten at the ensuing party (done at the end of the day on a Friday of course, so the resulting “sugar high” occurred on the bus or at home).  Every year, cakes would come in that obviously were not done by the students themselves but by an adult.  I never really had to say anything as the judges (both student and parent) quickly saw through the ruse and the appropriate cakes done by students won the prize.  It was a great lesson for all involved in doing one’s own work and being responsible for it.  The neat thing was, I never had to say a word. 

Do you know what your children are supposed to learn each year? Do you know what they are learning this year? Since we are their parents, it is primarily our responsibility to make sure they are getting what they need each year. There are a few resources available to you that can help you do that. I've only just stumbled onto them since I have pulled one daughter out to homeschool her for the rest of the year, but they'd be valuable for every student!

Check Out Your State's Standards

When my children have a teacher that communicates with parents regularly and sends home graded work, I feel pretty comfortable because I know what they are working on in class. We are even able to reinforce it at home. When I don't see a lot of work come home and don't hear from the teacher, I begin to get concerned. Every time that happens and I voice my concern, I am told to visit our state's education website to check out the standards. However, I have never done it diligently. I have browsed past the information and gleaned a little, but never explored it in depth.

The homeschooling partnership that I consulted directed me to those state standards once again, but this time it was necessity. I had to know what to teach my daughter for her to stay up-to-par with the rest of the students in her grade. There is truly a wealth of information on our state's education website.

I found that there was a large part of the state's standards that she had missed this year. Part of the missing information was due to her own problem of not paying attention, but some of it was missing because the teacher just hadn't gotten to it. I knew she was missing some things, and this, of course, was one of the reasons that I had to pull her in the first place, but now I know specifically. This gives me the power to help her.

Every state has their standards available. While some of the links on this Education World page are broken, it can give you an idea of how to find the standards of education for your state. The standards are generally divided up by grade level and subject. I challenge you to take a look at them for your students.

I plan to do this every year from now on for each of my children, perhaps over the summer so that I know what to look forward to in the next year. Then, my eyes will be open to any troubles early on.

Check Out the Standardized Test for Your Students

Another resource that I found is the state's standardized test. People say that the teachers "teach to the test" nowadays and this removes creativity from the classroom. While this may be true, it doesn't mean that you can't use that test to help educate your child. If you use the test and supporting materials to focus your efforts, you can help your student learn AND maybe even be more successful on the test.

At the local learning store, I found practice workbooks and solution manuals are available for every grade for our state's annual test. I know that my children go through these books in class each year, but the book has a glossary of words for each tested subject and the solution manual has a breakdown of the concepts being tested. It is an excellent resource for parents for working their children to supplement what they are getting in class.

In Washington state our test is called the "Washington Assessment of Student Learning (WASL)". When I visited the state's education page, I found sample test questions from previous years and other resources for teachers. As parents, we can also use these to help our kids.

Find Out What Subjects They are Teaching in Class

It is important to know what your teachers are teaching in class. If they don't share the information readily, all you need to do is ask specifically. Find out what their focus is on in the current year in science, social studies, math and reading. Use this information to give you focus on what to talk about as a family and how those subjects affect real life.

I recently found out that in 5th grade the students learn about the Revolutionary War at my daughter's elementary school. What a great opportunity it is for me to refresh myself on the subject and talk about it with her. We even found some engaging documentaries on Netflix to watch together.

My 7th grader was studying unit rates in math, so I made her figure out how much we would spend on gas for our spring break trip knowing the average gas mileage of our car and the price of gas...yikes!

**Added 4/13/12** Core Knowledge Series

When we got home from our vacation I came across another important resource that I forgot to mention, but that I've found to be very helpful. I bought the book "What Your Fifth Grader Needs to Know" from the "Core Knowledge" series. They publish these books for kindergarten through sixth grades.

Not only does the book tell what they should be learning during that grade, but it also covered each topic. You can use it almost as a textbook. You can go over each subject and learn what you've undoubtably forgotten since you were in 5th grade. For 5th grade there is history of explorers, science topics, math skills, poetry and other literature. It is all-inclusive.

If you were looking to supplement what your child was learning in class and make sure they didn't miss anything. This would be a great book to buy.

I have not come across any similar resources for upper grades, but I would love to know if anyone has a good resource for this type of book for junior high and high school.

Those little moments you share in what your kids are learning make their education matter and come to life for them. Supplement what they are getting in class by using the resources readily available to guide and focus you on what is relevant for them. It takes extra time and effort on your part to do this, but it is worth it. As Christian parents, when we know what our kids are learning at each level, we can also take the opportunity to fill in the gaps with our Christian worldview on those subjects.

Oh my!  What a topic:  self-control.  Why did Paul have to include that one in his list of the fruit of the Spirit?  Why did he have to ask of all of us that we exercise any of the items let alone this one?   Why?  I think it’s because it’s the ultimate example to the world that we have the power of the Spirit of Christ in our lives.  We’re able to forgive when wronged.  We’re able to carry out our assigned lot in life with grace, integrity and humility.  We’re able to love when it isn’t the natural, human thing to do.  We’re able to do the right thing when it would be so much easier to do the safer thing or the more comfortable thing or the more profitable thing. 

A dear departed friend of mine used to say that, “Discipline is behavior in the absence of authority.”  When there’s absolutely no one around.  When there’s no way we’re going to be “found out”.  What do we do?  Self control is the personal attribute that will allow us to carry out our mission as Christian parents with the greatest amount of success.

Authors Cline and Fay have written a series of books called Love and Logic.  In their “system” of parenting, they lay out a very clear, concise and specific group of strategies for parents that allow them to exercise self-control in times when they’d really like to scream and yell and maybe do something worse to a child due to inappropriate behavior. It works.  Keep our calm when we have the “right” to blow our stack sends a clear message to our children that we’re not going to lose control of our emotions when they’re trying they’re best to get us to.   

Self-control is a Biblical principal that we can’t ignore.  It takes courage, practice, and purpose to carry it off.  But as parents when we face those exasperating moments when our little ones, or pre-teens, or teens are doing their best to test our metal, self-control is the trait that will help us get the message across that we want to get across.  It’s the quality that will allow us to re-focus a child’s anger or misbehavior back onto them.  It’s that trait that will allow us to make sure that the consequences of their bad behavior fall on them – not on us.   It’s that quality of character that will allow us to model anger management for our children.  And believe me, they know how to make us mad and they know when we are whether we show it or not. 

Remember!  “A soft answer turns away wrath.” 

When the idea of this website took root in my heart, "Public on Purpose" was the original title I had in mind. However, when I mentioned the idea to Mark and he had "happened" to have written, but never published, a book on the subject years before called "Going Public" we went with his quirky title. I went so far as to register the domain name, "ChristiansGoingPublic.com", but when I went to search for it on Google, imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a book already written by that name!

The book "Going Public: Your Child Can Thrive in Public School" was written by David and Kelli Pritchard of Tacoma, WA (just a few hours away from us). Parents of eight children themselves and other children they took in along the way, they provide great guidance for families with their kids in public school.

Before starting this site, I had searched for resources to help Christians with kids in public school, but did not find many at all. As far as I can find, this book is one of a kind and it is worthy of reading.

This book does not take a stand that public school is the only right choice over other options like homeschooling or private school. Instead, they think we should all actively seek God in our decision making. They also recognize that a majority of Christian children do attend public school, so we need to provide help for doing it successfully, just like we, at Public on Purpose, do.

The book points out parent's role in the education of their children. We can't leave it all up to the school. As they quoted from Missionary author Elisabeth Elliot, "There's never been a time when children could be raised without sacrifice and discipline on the part of the parents." The book gives many practical ways for parents to train and support their children's education.

Homeschooling is also a focus in the book in the regard that we should all be "homeschooling". The couple says, "Yes! We definately homeschool our children...and starting at age five, we also send them to public school to get more information." We have the responsibility as parents to make sure our children are getting an appropriate academic and moral education. We must see ourselves as teachers. "Education is not primarily about "them" (the school). It belongs to us first and foremost." Remember that we need to prepare our children for being sent out. "If you fear that the tide of influence will run the other way - that public-school classmates will drag your child down from his or her standards - then this means you have some training yet to do."

I particularly enjoyed the chapter on the importance of sending your child to school with self-control. "The child with self-control has been trained to tell himself yes or no, based on certain criteria." It gave me a focus for why I train my children the way I do. I want them to be able to control themselves when I am not around. This affects many behaviors and attitudes where I sometimes let their behavior at home slip. Now, I take action to help them correct behaviors so that they want to change them and will do so on their own.

The book also addresses that fear cannot be a reason that we don't put our children in public school. "The issue is not whether we trust school officials to always do the right thing. The issue is whether we trust 'that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28)" Our God is bigger than our society. If we prayerfully consider our ways and motivations, we can trust Him to protect and use our children and families even in public school.

In an interview with Focus on the Family at the beginning of this school year, David and Kelli Pritchard also shared that they believe you need to consider "each kid, each year". This is what helped me in my decision to pull one of my daughters to homeschool her for the rest of the year. I felt like it was the right thing for her for this time.

There is so much more in this book that will help you in your public schooling journey and I can't share it all, so grab a copy for yourself. If you have read any other good resources on Christians in public school, please leave a comment and let me know. I'd love to review other material.